Understanding Domestic Violence Beyond the Myths
By Megan Hennessey, Executive Director
Content Warning: Domestic Abuse and Intimate Partner Homicide
If there is one thing I wish every person understood about domestic violence, it is this: abuse is not fundamentally about anger. It is about power and control.
Many people associate domestic violence with physical assaults, explosive arguments, substance use, or mental illness. While those factors may sometimes be present, they do not explain why abuse occurs. Millions of people struggle with anger, addiction, depression, anxiety, and other challenges without ever abusing a partner. The root cause of domestic violence is a belief that one person has the right to dominate, intimidate, coerce, or control another person.
Physical violence is only one tool an abusive person may use. Abuse can also take the form of stalking, threats, isolation, financial control, intimidation, manipulation involving children, and other forms of coercive control. Many survivors live in fear without ever being hit. In fact, some of the most dangerous abusive relationships may not appear obviously violent to friends, neighbors, coworkers, or even professionals.
Advocates and law enforcement use evidence-based tools to assess danger. Certain factors, including access to firearms, a history of strangulation, and previous threats to kill, are associated with an increased risk of homicide or serious injury. These indicators help identify situations that may be especially dangerous, but they are not crystal balls.
When survivors tell us they are afraid, we should listen. They often see warning signs and patterns that no one else can see because they are living with the threats, intimidation, and escalating behaviors that occur behind closed doors.
At the same time, survivors should not be expected to predict violence. Some know they are in danger; others are shocked by the severity of abuse that follows. Responsibility for violence never belongs to the victim. The only person who truly knows what they are prepared to do is the person choosing to abuse. When someone says they are afraid or believes a partner is capable of causing serious harm, we should take those concerns seriously and respond with support.
Threats involving children are also common in abusive relationships. Survivors frequently report hearing statements such as, “You’ll never see the kids again,” “I’ll take them from you,” or “If I can’t have this family, no one can.” These are not simply expressions of anger. They are attempts to maintain power and control through fear.
Domestic violence can affect people of any gender, age, race, income level, religion, sexual orientation, or background. At the same time, decades of research show a clear pattern in severe domestic violence and intimate partner homicide. Women are disproportionately victimized, while men are more often the perpetrators of abuse. Acknowledging this reality is not about blaming all men. It is about understanding the social messages and beliefs about power, entitlement, and relationships that can contribute to violence so that we can address it effectively.
We need to talk with children and young people about healthy relationships, respect, consent, boundaries, emotional regulation, and accountability. We need to help boys understand that strength is not domination, and that masculinity is not measured by power over others. Programs such as Resilience’s Champions of Healthy Manhood provide positive models at a time when many unhealthy messages about relationships, masculinity, and power compete for young people’s attention.
We also need strong support systems for survivors. Across Michigan, domestic and sexual violence programs face growing uncertainty as federal Victims of Crime Act (VOCA) funding continues to decline. Current projections suggest the most significant impacts may be felt over the next several years, creating serious challenges for programs that communities have relied upon for decades. This is not a reason for despair. It is a reason for action.
Ensuring survivors continue to have access to advocacy, counseling, shelter, legal services, and prevention programs will require intentional investment from public and private partners alike. Every community has a responsibility to ensure that help is available when people need it most.
Domestic violence is not someone else’s problem. It exists in every kind of community and affects people from all walks of life. Most survivors do not fit stereotypes, and neither do people who abuse. That is why awareness, education, and supportive community responses matter.
We don’t fund emergency services because we hope someone will need them. We fund them because we know someone will. Victim services are no different. Safe communities require resources for people experiencing violence.
If we want fewer victims and safer communities, we must do more than react after violence occurs. We must support survivors, invest in prevention, and challenge the beliefs about power and control that fuel abuse.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic or sexual violence, free and confidential help is available through Resilience’s 24-hour Help Line at 616-392-1970 or through ResilienceMI.org.
